I smoked part of an actual cigarette today.
Context is needed.
My wife and I support a total of nine people to varying degrees (three are children under 6). So when we go grocery shopping it is an all day event. Between Costco and Winco (and usually a trip to savemart for stuff we couldn’t get at the bulk stores), it usually takes us about 6 hours to do “grocery” shopping. Generally we go every two weeks, but sometimes we can push it and go 3-4 weeks without doing real shopping.
It’s been about three weeks since we did it this time, and this coming weekend we will be driving to San Diego to take our son to Legoland for his 5th birthday (because we’re just awesome like that). Well, that unfortunately meant that we had to do grocery shopping (both Costco and Winco) on a Wednesday night because we didn’t want to have to do it on Sunday after coming back from San Diego. And we had to take the boy. My son has some attention and anger issues. We’re working on it, but I don’t want to just dope the kid up until he is a zombie, so there are times when my entire universe contracts down to the struggle to not flat out murder him. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kid and would never hurt him, but there are times when I’d really just like to kick him like an NFL kicker tears into the final field goal attempt in a game that will be decided by a 60 yard field goal attempt.
Today was one of those days. He didn’t want to go shopping, he wanted to go swimming. He really wanted to go swimming, and everyone in the Costco knew it by the time we left. At our place Costco and Winco are in the same parking lot, so we decided my wife would go start that while I took the kid home with me to unload the Costco shopping.
As soon as we got out of the car, I handed him something light, and stacked up a load to take into the house. I should have known better. He starts bouncing around like a hummingbird on meth and headbutts the box I’m carrying, sending a half gallon of Half & Half and a box containing approximately a metric ton of strawberries tumbling off the top of the box I was carrying and to a certain death in the street.
Suffice it to say I was less than pleased. I deposited the boy in front of the TV and proceeded to clean up the mess, and unload the rest of the stuff from Costco. If I hurried (which I did) I would have just enough time to hit the ecig for a couple of minutes (I won’t smoke in the car with the wife or kid in there with me, and I won’t vape with them present either) before heading to Winco to pick up the wife with the rest of the groceries.
Only for whatever reason (it isn’t even really important at this point) the Sigelei wouldn’t fire. And my eGo battery backup was not charged. But I do have a couple of packs of analogs in a drawer in the house…
Context. Not an excuse.
I paid for it almost immediately. This cigarette tasted nothing like the last cigarette I smoked! I haven’t tasted a cigarette like that in 20 years (weird how I instantly remembered that was what the first few cigarettes I smoked tasted like). It was… terrible! How the hell did I start smoking to begin with?
I couldn’t finish it. I got maybe 3-4 drags in and just couldn’t do it. I used to love these things!
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure if I started smoking again in a couple of days it would taste like it always has, but screw that.
Sigh. My wife tells me that I have to start over at day one again. Screw that. I’m not gonna beat myself up. I needed a nicotine fix, had a limited time, and used what I had. It’s not like a heroin relapse, hell it’s not like I went and bought a pack of cigarettes even. I took like 4 drags off of a single cigarette.
I did learn something important though. I don’t want cigarettes anymore. Like I really don’t want cigarettes. I may still need nicotine, but I don’t need cigarettes. I won’t smoke any more of them, that’s for damn sure. I like vaping way better than I ever liked smoking.
I guess my point is that if you fall off the wagon, and smoke a cigarette or two (or even a pack or two), don’t beat yourself up about it. You didn’t do anything wrong. You just needed a cigarette for whatever reason. It doesn’t matter how many times you fall down, but that you get back up and keep trying.
As I write this (I’m back filling this one, I got tied up and didn’t keep up with a few posts), with the single exception I just wrote about I have not smoked in 29 days. That is longer than I have ever been able to go without smoking. It works. It’s easy. Stay with it.